The Shift

Waking up that morning, when Mark didn't move, was a shift. I haven't really been the same since. That overwhelming fear knocked something loose, something that has been stuck for some time now.

And I keep asking myself, why the fear, why not overwhelming grief?
What kind of life have I created with this man that fills me with fear at the thought of having to face it alone?


I have been toying with blaming Motivation (or lack of to be specific). I don't easily tap self-motivation. A lot of shame there for sure. But Motivation just isn't the answer.

Everybody talks about Motivation like it is the Grail. I suspect it is more closely related to Thin. Thin and Motivated, who isn't seeking at least one.

Maybe I'm not really looking for Motivation. Maybe I am more worried about Productivity. I was reading the 4 hour work week blog and he talked about finding your best time to produce. This guy works, he says, best between midnight and morning.

So if I can find my best time, and the Discipline to keep it, maybe I won't need Motivation. Cripes. Typing in small boxes does not work for me. I am all over the place here cause I can't see the last paragraph I wrote, just what is here and now . . .

I'll be back :>